How can I know if I’m compatible with my partner?

One of the Top 10 questions burning in the hearts of human beings throughout time: “How can I know for sure if I’m compatible with my partner?” So unrelenting has been this inquiry that it frequently woke me up at night for years preceding my divorce. Only with the smack of the judge’s gavel did my heart finally resign to that fact that I had no clue as to what compatibility meant.

In light of subsequent relationships and teaching the art of creative loving, I’ve harvested compelling insights in response to this ancient conundrum. While we’re about to embark on two entertaining and relatively reliable ways to gauge compatibility, the third and fail-safe answer is ultimately one that only you can know for sure. In order for these to work, though, you must be honest with yourself, and all of the data must flow through your own direct experience.

Before we look at this three-part compatibility survey, let’s explore some traditional factors and why they don’t add up. Have you noticed that often people base their compatibility on whether they argue or fight? Or whether there’s physical violence or verbal abuse in the relationship? Although indicative, these factors are not definitive, because for one committed to spiritual awakening, these destructive behaviors can merely reflect our own “need to be right,” which our partner is simply mirroring back to us. You do not need to do anything about these conditioned patterns—indeed, you cannot change them if you try. (Note: This is NOT to suggest staying in a stagnant or violent relationship.) Your being aware of these tendencies, that is to say conscious, elevates the vibration of “old” thoughts, transforming them into loving ones.

Now for the factors that most accurately indicate intimate human relativity. If they shock you, revel in the surprise—for they are significant in bringing you beyond the visual attraction most people depend on above their primal instincts.

The first is (drum roll, please): musical tastes. Why? Because the music one enjoys reflects the vibrational relativity of their mind, which incidentally molds one’s physical environment and shapes their universe. For example, as I was decimating my parents’ Bee Gees album on my mini pink phonograph in New York, my partner was tearing up the disco floors in South Florida—and despite apparent variance in time and space, our musical appetites bordered on identical when we met two decades later, and he 13 years older than I. That’s the power of vibration. This, not to mention that music carries so much resonant energy, it can transform an environment into heaven or hell. In fact, if you want an aggressive person to leave your physical space, you can influence this ever so subtly by turning on a peaceful melody. Its ethereal qualities will sufficiently transform the space to where they will suddenly have to leave or, oddly enough, be drawn away by some seemingly unrelated incidents (i.e., their cell phone rings or nature calls).

Compatibility factor number two has been mastered by animals all over the planet—yep, you guessed it: body scent. The fragrance of the body is so essential in determining relativity that a dog can know in seconds what takes a human being many hours, even months, years or a lifetime to figure out. Believe me, your good olfactory glands can pre-relieve you of mucho pointless relationship distress. Why ever suffer when such a simple wisdom lies quite literally, right under your nose?
Testing these factors, of course, is not an exact science, yet it’s still possible (and fun) to ask someone what their top 10 favorite musicians and songs are. Or, ask to hold their hand a moment while you sneak a whiff of it—assuming that you are not going to hug them in greeting when you first meet. (The old hug ‘n’ sniff is, of course, the most effective way!) They may still make wonderful friends regardless of your lack of penchant for their iPod shuffle and aroma, yet they will probably not make a compatible lover for you. Try it and see for yourself, or reflect on past lovers and your experience as they pertain to these two suggested keystones of compatibility—and feel free to share related musings on this blog.

One other thing—and this leads us to the most essential part. If a person wears perfume or cologne, beware! If one is concealing the scent of their skin, it is prudent to consider: what else might they be hiding? It’s very subtle, yet people who do not enjoy their own body scent will generally not like others’ either, whereas one who enjoys the scent of their own pheromones and body odor is unlikely to be critical and quite likely to love you “Just the Way as You Are.” (Yes, that song’s on both our iPods.)

In the end, two lovers’ absolute acceptance of each other is the only fail-safe compatibility test. This brand of acceptance can’t be bought in stores and it’s all you’ll ever really need.

Do you ever recommend Viagra® or similar drugs for impotence?

Never. Impotence results from the lack of love and patience. This drug, and others like it, are very destructive. Even their own advertisements caution about their side effects, which especially threaten those with hypertension. Erection enhancers generate more tension by constricting many blood vessels within the circulatory system and not just the ones you would like. This constriction has everything to do with the heart constricting, which blocks the energy flow through the heart chakra and thus love and sensitivity also. By gently holding your lover’s breasts, while connecting deeply without motive, both of your hearts will open. The physical body is an extension of the more subtle energetic body, so become more sensitive to feelings, and the energy flow that expresses physically as an erection will circulate naturally throughout your bodies. Many couples have reported miracles to this effect.

And don’t think use of these pharmaceutical “miracle pills” is restricted to elderly men, because it is not. In fact, these pills are being used by young men at an alarming rate, and not necessarily to enhance their sexual performance, but to have a larger penis.

Another reason for impotence is the accumulation of atherosclerotic plaque that accumulates in the blood vessels and obstructs circulation to the penis and other parts of the body. This coagulation of plaque is increased in those who are exposed to low-frequency electromagnetic fields, such as exposure to fluorescent light bulbs and fixtures, computer screens, television and close proximity to electric lines such as the ones outside most homes. Most people are completely unaware of the detrimental effects of incoherent energy associated with resistance technologies that affect the human physiology and its energetic field, and so they are subject to all sorts of disease and dysfunction, not to mention the cancer-causing differentiation of DNA at the cellular level, that can be easily remedied by either removing these electronic nuisances or removing yourself from environments that host them. Another way of neutralizing them is to get outside and into nature where the effects of incoherent energy are neutralized considerably.

Sexual impotence is symptomatic of society’s impotence—a lack of sensitivity to love—which manifests as inadequacy, lack and competitiveness. Simply put, love is the answer, and it doesn’t come in a bottle.

Today, people want a pill to solve all of life’s problems, but they simply do not. Drugs create more new problems, often worse than the ones that we are persuaded they will heal. Most people cannot relax, because they believe they have to struggle. They are constantly swimming upstream rather than flowing with life, believing they are separate from one another, when they are not. You are each connected to one another so intimately that it is impossible to ever find divisions. To know this is heaven, where fear is transformed into love, allowing bliss to penetrate you … and her, if you catch my drift?

“How old were you when you first had sex? And were you married?”

This post is a response to Jane Fonda’s poignant article published in The Huffington Post on April 17, 2009, regarding teen pregnancy. The U.S./U.K. comparative statistics that Ms. Fonda references are proof that fear generates tension and youth will use whatever means necessary to release that tension. Often this release comes through the fulfillment of natural sexual impulses that express uncontrollably as the youth of today attempt to comprehend the unnatural abstinence thrust upon them by “ideology and politics,” particularly via current sex ed programs and religion.

For the youth who find difficulty balancing morality and physical impulses, another common result is that of experimentation with and indulgence in drugs and alcohol, which only further repress the impulses, resulting in total withdrawal from social interaction or self-destructive behaviors and self-mutilation (i.e., tattoos and body piercing, etc.). Perhaps you have noticed that it is not unusual for teens to pierce their nipples, scrotums, penises, tongues and lips, to name a few—all organs of sensuality—in their desperate attempt to feel alive. It is also easy to recognize this in the frequently exposed tattoo designs covering the sacral chakra, which is the vortex energy portal for sexuality and creation, corresponding to pregnancy and related energies.

As a science teacher in the public school system of Broward County, Florida, I (Nick) was required to teach a sex education curriculum. Never mind that there was no screening process for me to qualify as an “authority.” And so it dawned on me that there must be other “sex ed experts” who were not authorities either. I became a little suspicious. Why were these children being exposed to information that has no basis for its effectiveness in the world? Why were people who, according to the students, yelled and spoke down to them, being allowed to educate one of the most misunderstood subjects on the planet (?) when we were obviously struggling with basic communication and human interaction.

It was as though love—our most precious feeling—was totally disregarded as an integral part of sexuality. It was so obvious to me that this is why most teachers taught from a totally fear-based perspective, emphasizing how easily HIV spreads, the likelihood of contracting STDs outside of marriage, and an utterly mechanical approach to sexuality, removing the emotional element altogether.

Determined to liven things up a tad, I passed a hat around for students to submit their questions anonymously, so as to remove any embarrassment surrounding sexuality that they obviously had as they giggled nervously while jotting down their inquiries. The students came to life instantly with the reading of the first question, and a completely alive energy remained with that classroom for the remainder of the week. Now perhaps my whole attitude would have died after this curriculum had I not been asked to combine classrooms with two other teachers in symposium fashion. The other two teachers agreed that I should teach the three classes collectively—because they were obviously nervous about their sexuality and were literally trembling, presumably with fear of saying something “inappropriate” about the “s” word that might get back to Mom and Dad. Obviously they had felt the backhand of administration from parental complaints and were all too frazzled to discuss sexuality openly.

During the first class, I curiously watched the two teachers sitting in the back of the room, both older women spawned from a Catholic parochial school system, evident as they covered their faces when the subject of oral sex echoed about the room, effectively contorting their bodies into a two twisted knots. The session seemed an eternity from them as they writhed about for over an hour. In fact, each day for an entire week they interrogated me about my methods and criticized me for verbalizing how wonderful sex is, particularly with someone you care about deeply.

The fact that I emphasized “caring” was not the contraction stimulus, but rather it was the implication of sex with someone outside of marriage that rattled their conditioning almost to the point of infarction. So I asked them if they were virgins before their wedding night. Almost choking, they retorted that it was none of my business. So I asked, “Would you have this difficulty answering a question about particle theory?” at which point they argued how personal the question was and I became acutely aware of their shame. Although I felt how uncomfortable they felt being asked the question, I could not stop myself and proceeded, “How can you be expected to teach this to children, whom you obviously know from decades of teaching can feel your fear and dishonesty?” I continued, “You should see if you can get out of it next year, so you don’t have to stew in this tension, listening to all these ‘nasty’ ideas.”

If looks could kill, a smiegel emerged on their small, snarling faces. Sensing danger, I returned to teaching class. No sooner did I arrive at the podium did a student forego the prescribed secret-ballot system and ask, “How old were you when you first had sex? And were you married?”

I thought to myself, Great question! Now, do I lie to keep in line with the obvious Christian social agenda, or should I plea the fifth and defer to my student-teacher handbook of ethics, where I then proceed to portray myself as superior to them and treat them like lab mice that could not possibly handle the intelligence of a straight answer? I had to decide there on the spot, What do I stand for? Could I get fired for answering a personal question about my sex life? But why not answer? It was just a harmless question. I sensed the other teachers expected a professional answer as they perked up in their desks, yet it hit me: If I refuse to answer, the students will think that I’m ashamed of my sexuality and that they too could do something worthy of feeling guilty about, if it in any way strayed from what I said, or worse, what the Board of Education collectively agreed upon.

I felt throughout my entire body these words pushing through as I struggled to hold them back, but it was obvious that the truth had to be expressed, or they would think I was a liar. Even if I didn’t answer, they would still know, because why would I not answer the question if I were in alignment with what the curriculum taught last year? Yes, another teacher “expert.” So I blurted out: “Well I wasn’t married, because I was only eleven years old.”

Grasp-my-chest contraction as I felt for the first time what “congested air-space” was. The rest of class flowed easily from there on out, because, Wow, I said it. Even with the prospect of losing my job on the line, I had said it anyway. From that point on, I never had a fear of losing a job again—in fact, when my principal asked me about the statement the following morning, I replied, “I won’t lie to these kids or treat them like babies, or they’ll be infantized and stay as children their whole life—just like the teachers who evidently came tattling to you. Find someone else to teach it if you want me to lie. I love sex and if someone asks me an honest question they are going to get an honest answer.” Wide-eyed and swallowing, the principal looked shocked, but I glimpsed on his lips a grin of recognition that what I said was true for him also.

I was asked to not teach sex education again and, in fact, received the rest of that week off with full pay, just so a parent would not sue the school board for answering an honest question about sex. It was a wonderful lesson for me, as I realized—humans are the only animal on the planet that are embarrassed of their naked bodies and think that “sex is dirty—but, only have sex with the one you love.”

Any wonder why so many children can’t wait to have sex, and don’t wait? Because the mystery and fear creates tension, which has to be released. Has to, and WILL BE RELEASED no matter what you do to them. The most powerful, creative energy on the planet cannot be suppressed or repressed due to our religious dogmas. It will either express naturally and beautifully, or filled with guilt, ugliness and ridden with disease. Look at the world today. Which one do you suppose it has been to date?

If you would like to change the state of the world, begin with yourself and then with your children. Embrace sexuality and bring love to it so this powerful energy can be channeled consciously and creatively toward unifying humanity. I have developed a 10-step curriculum proposal to increase awareness of sexuality without guilt and fear, a means of bringing love to all relationships, because if your sexuality is ugly and course, then so will your other relationships be. And it is simple, so simple that humanity goes on missing it by making it complicated. If you want to know how to establish sexually responsible youth or how this can be adopted to school curriculums, contact Nick at OpenHeartTantra.com.

Sexuality for a New World: A Proposed Sex Ed Curriculum

Note: It is not necessary for your current school system to adopt these basic principles for you or your children to fully implement them. If you are interested in guidance, Open-Heart Tantra can assist you.

This Sex Ed School Curriculum Proposal includes: Six Instructor Criteria and a 10-Step Solution to Removing Psychosexual Crisis in Youth Brought on by Exposure to Fear-based Curriculums and Media Conditioning

Instructor Criteria

1. Must surrender to a student’s unwillingness to participate and know how to recognize and provide a student freedom without embarrassing them.
2. Must resolve their own relationship issues so as not to perpetuate their own ignorance pertaining to the content they will be teaching.
3. Must be willing to attend extensive training on how to support a person encountering anger and confusion that arises during day-to-day interaction, relationships and cathartic activities.
4. Must grasp the principle of non-involvement (the ability to not take a student’s resistance personally) as it pertains to the implementation of the 10-Step Solution below.
5. Must be willing to stay beyond the hours of one’s normal teaching requirements, allowing students to recognize the teacher’s devotion. Transformation is maximized when students are not required to attend instructional sessions, and so they attend with the intention to gain understanding of relationships, both socially and/or sexually.
6. Must not attempt to mold, develop, manipulate, control or condition students to subscribe to their own personal or religious code of ethics, morality, or otherwise. Students will be considered equal during the entire learning process and they are not to be treated as inferior or spoken to condescendingly.

The 10-Step Curriculum Proposal

1. Participants will utilize various communication techniques/skills until a natural mode of communication is mastered to their satisfaction.
2. Participants will utilize basic nondual principles and come to recognize their interconnectedness with all existence, including familiar and unfamiliar energy forms and expressions, so as to harmonize with their environment and accept all as they are in accordance with the principle of non-resistance and non-judgment.
3. Participants will be familiar with behavioral signals that constitute aggressive and passive-aggressiveness, so as to recognize their own manipulative tendencies and control mechanisms. Once the participant has demonstrated an adequate aptitude to become conscious of these and other unconscious patterns, they will be paired with other participants for a mutual opportunity to become intimate socially, though not necessarily sexually unless mutually agreed upon. Should intimacy stagnate, participants may be supplied activities/tools to reach a cathartic release, which will remove obstacles and aid with intimacy.
4. Participants will be exposed to various tantric stories to offer alternatives to their past destructive models of sexuality. Not with the intent to form archetypes, but to offer unfamiliar pictures of reality that can facilitate the deconditioning of their destructive patterns that have become lodged deeply within their consciousness and solidified the personal story known to them as “my past.”
5. Participants will develop an attitude that permits them the right to question everyone respectfully, including and especially those who have aquired positions of authority. This to allow the participant to feel empowered and remove the “innocent victim story” handed down through their cultural, religious and racial lineage. In addition to this invasive deconditioning process, participants are informed about past and current technologies used to restrain thought and establish caste systems or economic, religious and political control of societies. Participants will be educated on many modes of frequency control that affect the environment and mind by which they perceive phenomena and how to neutralize these incoherent systems in their daily lives and not succumb to their detrimental effects by not allowing these technologies to be implemented in the future.
6. Participants are encouraged to consider their religious beliefs, their effectiveness with guiding society and to discern the root of its belief, thereby removing altered content that has misled them and obscured reality. They will be exposed to other philosophies and ideologies so as to attune them to what “feels” natural rather that which makes logical sense or fits their past conditioning. This will sensitize participants, assisting them to recognize the truth and confusion inherent in all dogmas, so they will not fall back into old grooves of conformity that were etched unconsciously during their youth, when mass-hypnotic systems of education and destructive media were implemented.
7. Participants will partake in activities that will allow for physical and emotional contact, permitting them to recognize their inherent tendency for love, communion and the realization of their true essence—unconditioned consciousness, the dimension of divine Being beyond the world of form. Through this series of activities, the participant will also discover the many strategies of ego.
8. Participants will realize the synergistic connection of the physical and spiritual. Through this understanding they will come to recognize the inner and outer existence are one and the same, dissolving the tendencies to differentiate and project imaginary distinctions where none exist.
9. Participants will adopt contrasting views of reality through exposure to various movies, cartoons and books to radically dislodge any and ultimately all sense of guilt. One or more of four books (to be announced in a future post to this blog) will be prescribed to participants as an acting text to support them in their deconditioning of destructive mental patterns.
10. Participants will develop a sensitivity through both sitting silently and consciously observing Self, returning time again to the sense of I AM or feeling that they exist. As their formless presence becomes more prevalent, behold the authentic Being will emerge as the real Self they are, fully merged into the Divine.

What inspired this proposal? Check out: True Tale of a Sex Ed Teacher

I can’t make my girlfriend orgasm. Am I doing something wrong?

If your girlfriend is not reaching orgasm, it is nobody’s fault—there is simply a lack of awareness due to preoccupation with a climax, compulsive thoughts or even performance in general. In some cases, a woman’s vagina has become numb or calloused due to overstimulation or past sexual trauma, which could also be a contributing factor.

Do not despair, our natural state is one of perpetual orgasm—it is simply a question of being present enough to recognize that which is always here. The bliss of enlightenment (orgasm) is always present within you, but cannot be recognized by an active mind. Relax and empty yourself of past and future.

Also, you leaked two key words which reveal doership and effort. You said “No matter what I do” and “I can’t make my girlfriend orgasm.” Your word choice suggests that you not only think you’re doing it, which is an illusion, but also that you’re forcing it. Love is effortless. The more relaxed you are, the more loving you are, the more orgasmic you are.

You apparently have a lot riding on whether or not she orgasms—perhaps your self-image as a “good lover” is at stake? There is no such thing as a good lover, only compatibility or one who loves themself. This love generates the energy of sexual ecstasy, so attend only to overflowing with love and everything else will flow as well.

Why are you teaching tantra in Costa Rica?

Sex energy is life energy—and Costa Rica envibes it. In every moment, rivers are rushing into waterfalls, and wildflowers are blooming on trees, inviting hummingbirds and bees to spread life from the mountains to the sea. The seeds of luscious fruits and vegetables are sprouting everywhere, and the world’s rarest exotic birds are singing in sexual call, fluttering tree to tree. In this region, you need only wedge a fallen branch into the Earth and revisit the spot months later to find it a tree. Here the basic truths of existence obscured in the concrete jungle become obvious: nature is an open invitation to sex energy.

In addition, our location in Costa Rica requires the majority of our workshop participants to travel here from far distances—to their reward. Those who venture here are generally committed to spiritual transformation. It is highly effective and beneficial for you to disassociate with your familiar living space, past mindset and personal story (which acts as a hindrance to going beyond the mind) to allow the fresh seeds of wisdom to penetrate the fertile consciousness of a thirsty aspirant.

We have found that one who is destined to embark on this path and/or pursue a dharma in this field will be relative to Costa Rica, if not drawn here specifically for this reason alone. The air suspends a uniquely vibrant quality of ethericities, orgone and a coherent energetic field that makes this blessed environment ideally suited for both spiritual transformation and deeper, accelerated learning. Yet don’t take our word for it—this is something to experience for yourself.

I’m very interested in tantra, but my lover shuns the idea every time I bring it up.

Perhaps one of the most important tantric precepts is to love yourself, which quite simply means that you should not compromise your own happiness, even if it alleviates relationship tension temporarily. This is not to say that anyone should leave their lover because of a brief lack of relativity, but that a heart-to-heart communication is better had while a relationship still has life in it than afterward, when you have compromised to the extent of losing yourself in the all-important “relationship.”

It is necessary to impress upon your lover how important your spiritual life is to you, so they know what they are in for. It is not uncommon for two lovers to drift apart when one has tasted the peaceful dimension that is beyond their partner’s capacity to comprehend it. Whatever you want to do—do it with or without your partner, yet if you are agreed to be monogamous, then give them the option to take the journey with you as it pertains to tantra. This is a sensitive issue, we realize, yet know this: the spiritual path presents many difficulties and challenges, so the last thing you want feeding the ego (should it arise, and it usually will) is for the ego of you and your partner to feed on each other. It is likely that, if this is the case and your partner lacks the conscious presence to support you and assist you during this critical period, you will end up creating unnecessary complications in life when you might have better allowed each other to go your own way.

On the other hand, the conflict can also become your greatest lesson: Does your partner support you? As it pertains to tantric sex, is your partner supportive of you having other partners? This is where things can get a bit sticky, so it is best to ask them to assist you until they have a taste of the ecstasy that cannot be denied. Then you will have a difficult time slowing them down, not that you would want to

How is tantric sex different from ordinary sex?

“Ordinary sex,” as you put it, is typically, although not always, more focused on arousal to the point of climax, whereas friction of throbbing body parts builds tension to a threshold of release. In today’s stressful world, people have become subject to invisible, low-frequency energy fields, which perpetuate aggressive behavioral tendencies, and so they desire the intensive release experienced during orgasm. The more tension a human body carries, the greater the relief experienced during orgasm. So if you have been attributing “great sex” to your partner, take heed: it is more likely due to not to set aside ample time for relaxation, which can yield a perpetual orgasm once one is versed in the art of tantra.

In contrast, tantric sex is not about building tension and relieving it, but opening relaxation channels that allow you to remain in a state of blissful ecstasy throughout your entire life—including those periods while you are making love, during which you remain conscious of any tension that may arise during intercourse. Tantric sex includes a delicious component of meditation, which allows you to remain aware of rising tensions so that an otherwise tender and loving situation is not morphed into a solely physical release. While there is certainly nothing wrong with either approach to sex, the former does not lead to freedom from identification with the human cycle of bodily attachment and lust—lust being a subconscious aggression fueled by unconscious sexual expression.

How does tantric sex move us into conscious sexual expression? The answer is: naturally, through focus on increasing our sensitivity using solely our God-given bodies and our awareness. Unnatural sex toys and erectile enhancement drugs are not required, nor recommended. In tantra, lovers attune to the dance of energetic opposites—in this case, the meeting of the male-female polarities. Just as water is a polar molecule carrying both a negative and positive charge, humans are polar beings. A woman’s positive pole is located in her breasts and her negative pole in her vagina, whereas a male’s positive pole is located in his penis and his negative pole in his chest. By design, these complementary forms act as magnets, and through tantric awareness, both lovers draw toward and engulf the circular flow of energy through their innate bioenergetic circuitry, disappearing into sublime stillness. And this circular flow is just the beginning, as it creates the engine for upward movement of sexual energy from the root and sacral chakras, where the genitalia are located, through crown of one’s head. The sacred meeting of positive and negative poles produces ecstatic orgasmic states that can last for hours and eventually become perpetual, sustaining long after the sex act is complete.

As a result of one’s past experiences with “ordinary sex,” related unprocessed emotions may lie dormant within the tissues of the both the male and female genitalia (which correspond on an etheric level with the emotional body) and a tantric approach to sexuality will evoke them for conscious review. Lucky for us, the penis and vagina by design heal each other, quickening our return to unbridled awareness of our natural orgasmic state. As emotions surface, it is helpful to experience our reflections in fellow beings who have come into Self-Awareness through tantra, since the life experiences through which we begin to know our true Self on the path of tantra run so contrary to our conditioning. I promise you this: once you’ve embraced tantric sexuality, nothing is ordinary anymore.